The Joke Thread

[LeCig]

In light of all the stress and strain we have on our daily lives, I thought a Joke thread would bring some levity. Please share some humor with us

[LeCig]

Government Investigates Rancher






The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.



GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”



RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”



GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”



RANCHER: “That would be me.”

[RY4]

LOL! Good idea Mike. Can always use a good laugh through some of life's jokes.

There is only one story I have come across that had me laughing so hard I fell out my chair. Many have probably read but it is worth reading again, I still can't read it today without tears streaming down my face.

If you can read this whole story without laughing - there's no hope
for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[Kali]

RY4, this is where a "LIKE" button would come in handy! LMAO!

Now I want Chili.....

[Pit Vaper]

ROFLMAO at both jokes

[LeCig]

LMFAO RY

[LeCig]

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg

so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief

Will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just

right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.






The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his

wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by

and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your

Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing

his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the

company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a
small

parcel and a note, which reads:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your

wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co

[wetwire]

OMG.. I'm dying.. lol too hard to type..

Is chili an aphrodisiac? Only in Texas!

[berger]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[Kali]

[LeCig]

2- Duck Hunters In Wisconsin - ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.
It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So........................out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Our two Rocket Scientists.....................afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
they light the 40 second fuse; then,
with a mighty thrust,
they throw the stick of dynamite
as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it......................The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse........................ just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end..........................he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay....doing fine.

And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.....

[LeCig]

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'



Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'




Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick..
This is Heaven!'


'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'



Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[berger]

Man I miss that Navigator...

[RY4]

ROTFLMAO!!! Cryin!!! You two! That one got me berger... good one.

Glad the dog was ok... LMAO!

[berger]

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor, "this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[LeCig]

Originally Posted by berger

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor, "this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[Rhino]

As an avid Wisconsin duck hunter, I love the Navigator story. Never heard it before, but can totally see something like that happening. I think I'll just stick with open water hunting and leave the dynamite at home...

[LeCig]

I wonder what 2011 has in store ....

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2010

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.




2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'



3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!


4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'



7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ( hellooooooo )!


8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[LeCig]

God's Sense of Humor

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then He made the earth round.

[RY4]

Originally Posted by berger

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor, "this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Originally Posted by LeCig

I wonder what 2011 has in store ....

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2010

.... love this thread!

[RY4]

Originally Posted by LeCig

God's Sense of Humor

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then He made the earth round.

OMG! Dying here!!!!! LMAO!

[LeCig]

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.


The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.


The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time."


A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.


Again he asked for his free sex.


The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.


The redneck guessed 2 this time.


The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but NO free sex this time."


As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game isRIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.
My WIFE won twice last week."

[LeCig]

Direct Quote from "Larry, the Cable Guy"

"Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats that can't swim is a damn genius."

[RY4]

The Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day

[Pit Vaper]

What do YOU do when it gets COLD?

@ +70 degrees Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in West Virginia go swimming in the Rivers.

@ +60 degrees North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in West Virginia plant gardens.

@ +50 degrees Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in West Virginia sunbathe.

@ +40 degrees Italian & English cars won't start.
People in West Virginia drive with the windows down.

@ +32 degrees Distilled water freezes.
In West Virginia the Tygart River water gets darker.

@ +20 degrees Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and
woolly hats. People in West Virginia throw on a flannel shirt.

@ +15 degrees Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in West Virginia have the last cookout before it gets cold.

@ +10 degrees People in Miami all die.
Elkins High students lick the flagpole.

@ - 20 degrees Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in West Virginia get out their winter coats.

@ - 40 degrees Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in West Virginia are selling cookies door to door.

@ - 60 degrees Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
West Virginia Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

@ - 80 degrees Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in West Virginia rent some videos.

@ - 100 degrees Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
WVU students get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

@ - 297 degrees Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in West Virginia complain about farmers with cold hands.

@ - 460 degrees ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in West Virginia start saying, "What are you going to do when it gets cold?"

@ - 500 degrees Hell freezes over.
The Mountaineers win a Bowl Game!